i'm an ebay stalker

i have succumbed to an all time low and need counseling. i am an ebay stalker. like many of those who have a propensity to horde and collect unscrupulous amounts of knickknacks and paddywacks, i too wheel and deal on the secondary free-market auction site known as ebay. not only do i shop around for savings on things i never knew i needed, i occasionally pawn unnecessary stuff off in order to buy more unnecessary stuff. it's a cycle... i'm well aware of it, but come on. we live in a capitalistic society and i fit perfectly into the irresponsible money-wasting post-college male demographic, so can you really blame me? if you answered yes... shut up. i wasn't really asking you anyway. what do you know? point is, ebay provides anyone, buyer, seller, and stranger alike, with a powerful feedback function that appeases to the curious voyeur in all of us. not only can you check-up on an individual's internet commerce trustworthiness, but you can also look into their buying habits... granted they are transactions made within 90 days. this leads into interesting reading.

case in point: bob (name changed for identity protection) is currently winning an my auction for a used copy of godzilla's revenge: all monsters attack on dvd. i'm not going into detail about how much of a sucker he is (who'd pay 1.99 + 3.00 s/h on this garbage when a better copy was recently released?), but instead am going to tell you what my cyber sleuthing has come up with.
  • this gentleman wears size 34 jeans
  • buys accessories for his android cell phone and ipod touch
  • collects women's shoes? size 6.5 of course. what a creep.
  • buys used godzilla dvds... well... just mine at least
this is some powerful stuff. then i think about the corporations that look into my credit card purchases to track my spending habits and subliminally rail me with targeted advertising. i always needed a fancy television shammy... jesus, i have a hard enough time coping with god knowing everything about me as it is.



A few nights ago I ordered a personal pan pizza at Pizza Hut. As I waited for this oily, mouth scalding treat... I recognized the five Halloween decorations, that were posted up, from my first grade class. After staring at the really happy bat with streamer paper for a belly, I looked right at the two skeletons that were walking towards me. At this moment, I realized that I wasn't afraid of skeletons.

Zombies are scary
Clowns are scary
Tapeworms are scary
The "Oh Shit!" phone calls are doubly scary

Skeletons are not scary
Skeletons are happy weak things that shouldn't be able to move, on their own, due to the lack of tendons and ligaments

If we must resort to using some type of human remain as a symbol of evil and fear... just smear shit on the wall.


the first thing to do is confess my love

I would like to dedicate my first official entry to Crest Glide: Deep Clean Cool Mint Dental Floss. From the fateful day I met you, the brisk winter of 2005, I have never... and cannot ever quit you. I love pushing air through the canyons you clear. The fresh taste that remains in your wake reminds me of why I am addicted to you. Your gray body... so sleek and so sexy... no other variation compares. Keep up the good work, and don't worry about Crest Glide Plus Scope. She's a whore.